There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake