@Leemanish: There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.
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@Sophie2078: Me: I love it when I'm on top of his... Friend: Sophie! There are kids here! Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
@DirtMcTurd: Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
@TheGladStork: Computer: Do you trust this device? Me: Why? Is there something you're not telling me?
@pauleggleston: 'Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?' 'Eggshell' 'Eggshell??' 'Yesh' 'Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?'