There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
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My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]