There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
You Might Also Like
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back