Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud