@Brampersandon_: [White House] Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS? *Biden excitedly raises hand* Besides assembling the Avengers. *Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

@OhMrWonka: One day I'm probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

@julezmac: Football is so cute it's like some guys are like we're gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

@ericsshadow: [text] "Hey" Hi. "I'm just laying in bed thinking about you." This is your mom. "New phone who dis?" Eric, that doesn't work. You texted me.

@AntozWolf: I don't get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.