@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you? You didn't, the brakes did. Cop: But do you know why? Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot? Cop: Get out.

@samalmightysam: The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.

@cwhudson: [interview at the Pringles factory] BOSS: why do you wanna work here? TENNIS BALL: {don't say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

@cheeky__gal: Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

@mejustbeth: Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I'll put some clothes on too.