ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
so this horse walks into a bar
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris