@SuperRandomish: Me: *singing "Don't stop believing"* Joe: What are you doing? Me: Practicing for Journey duty J: You mean Jury duty? M: No, it says...shit

@XOperfectmessXO: I'm like a kid. People like me best when I'm quiet or sleeping.

@sara_ashlynn: When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

@FinnMcIver: I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don't do that guys, don't do that.

@stuckinaportal: [we both wake up in a panic] her: i dreamed you died me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM