Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.