there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
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Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
what?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.