There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor