#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
mood
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Dishonest mechanic?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
The “baby” on the left….
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen