thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)