@ineedaballrub: thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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@997omar: Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
@robfee: While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?
@Naked_Superman: Mom: Sorry, I won't be able to come in today. My son's got stuck in the washing machine. Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he? Mom: 27
@Storminika: Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.