@ineedaballrub: thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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@jordan_stratton: COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?! ME: Aww... I would, but I already have plans. MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
@BrettDruck: May he without sin cast the first stone [Everybody picks up rocks] Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin [Everybody puts rocks back down]
@JohnLyonTweets: "I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you." -Liam Neeson opening a Where's Waldo book
@TheRolo: [At a San Francisco Dance Club] *Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt* Hey baby, what's your name? "Robert"