thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My purse is deeper than some people.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”