thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.