Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
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Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
That’s not how days work.