These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go