These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.