If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.