Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.