These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
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My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Hero horse inspires millions
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”