@realHamOnWry: These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It's a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.
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@TheToddWilliams: The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
@robfee: I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
@natechartier1: Judge: I find him... not guilty *Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief* Cop: *cuffing him* So that's where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha