@realHamOnWry: These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It's a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids? Me: When are you going to stop?
@JasonLastname: If Edgar Allen Poe didn't have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.