[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
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I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step