@ComedicBust: "These diet pills better work," I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
@amishschool: Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
@NicCageMatch: A surprise party on someone's birthday isn't surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don't be discouraged. You'll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.