God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
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Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Cannot stop laughing at this
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!