These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off