These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Who does Amazon think I am?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl