These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Last-minute gift idea!
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.