These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
You Might Also Like
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!