@timdonakowski: "These fries are too crispy" - inventor of the microwave
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@ibid78: Momma bird: welcome to the world! Baby bird: thx! M: for the next few months instead of food, I'ma just throw up in your mouth. B: wait what
@robfee: Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.
@NicCageMatch: The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
@mommy_cusses: *Husband using Ouija board after I've died* Please answer me *arrow moves* "It's on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!"