@timdonakowski: "These fries are too crispy" - inventor of the microwave
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@daemonic3: Joined our neighborhood watch program. There's 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. :(
@hippieswordfish: 'welcome to subway how can i-' ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID 'sir-' M: IS IT HIS PISS
@ArfMeasures: INTERVIEWER: When did u last work? ME [shrugs] Months ago INTERVIEWER: That's a long time not to be employed ME: Oh no I'm still employed
@retniw_nuf: I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.