“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
You Might Also Like
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.