“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
March 16
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*