These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Friday
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!