My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
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With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad