*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
You Might Also Like
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
White Castle for the Win
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Born to be mild.