If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
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Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
i will not be silenced
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
You sure about that?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow