These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
You Might Also Like
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
hey, alexa
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Basically.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.