When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: