It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
You Might Also Like
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
#Caturday
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people