These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king