These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
You Might Also Like
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I’m not proud
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.