these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Room with a view.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
What the hell happened in there??
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.