I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
work smarter, not harder
Well, this explains it:
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.