These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
screw you
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.