DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.