My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
How to wake up a Beagle
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Me too door. Me too.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.