Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*