These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
OH. COME. ON.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?