They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You Might Also Like
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
It’s an epidemic…