@Tw1tter_K1tten: They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
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@tastefactory: My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we're in this big fight.
@0point5twins: OMG... JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA- Oh wait, it's Ravioli.
@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
@PaperWash: teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door] me: ok lol [later] me: hey what the f-