They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
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I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….