They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
just witnessed a drug deal
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….