@Jam453Lane: They always say to follow your gut, that's why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.
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@panmidwest: DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder? ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that's right
@tehaveragejoel: "every family has that one huge weirdo" "NOT MY FAMILY!" I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
@TheHyyyype: [commandos infiltrating enemy fortress] COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we've got company! COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
@shatty48: Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets.