Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.