friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
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*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?